Jokes

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    • Q: Do you understand what I'm saying?

      Picard: No.








      (Let it sink in. Then you'll laugh eventually.)

      A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
      Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
      As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?” The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”
      As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Damn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
      The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic £20 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket.” The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
      And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??” The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
      “Only when he’s been drinking.”



      A rancher is bringing his heard of cattle across a road when a car approaches. A man gets out and says to the rancher, “How long do you think it’ll be?”
      “Oh I should be fully across in about ten minutes,” the rancher replies.
      “Well, while I’m waiting, would you like to make a bet?” the man asks.
      “What do you have in mind?”
      “If I can guess exactly how many cattle you have, would you give me one?”
      The rancher thinks for a moment and says, “Sure. It’s a deal.”
      The man stands in the road for a while looking at the cattle and says the to the rancher, “You have exactly 7,924 cattle.”
      The rancher whistles and says, “Well I’ll be. That’s exactly right. Deal’s a deal, take your pick.”
      As the man’s loading his pick into the car, the rancher says, “How about I make you a deal. If I can guess your profession, and you’re a politician, will you give me back my dog?”


      I don't play any servers anymore, I'm just here for the spam and
      :xeno: :xeno: :xeno:




      badidol wrote:

      Dammit, this thing dies darned slowly.




      badidol wrote:

      Go and check the permissions the Facebook app wants, I dare you
    • Serbian joke

      Q:Why no longer have jokes about blondes, policemen and little Perica


      A:The blonde was painting, the policeman became smart, and the little Perica finished school.
      Life is an eternal struggle.
      Who does,he can.Who knows no fear,goes forward.
      V.Z.Misic
    • Yes wery funny.


      I will try to translate one on blondes: Why the blonde is carrying ladders in the market? Because it says high prices on the door
      Life is an eternal struggle.
      Who does,he can.Who knows no fear,goes forward.
      V.Z.Misic
    • @Kaleg Nar I think your jokes were very funny. And Star Trek the Next Gen was an awesome show!

      A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
      He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
      The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
      The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
      The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
      Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
      The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
      PROCAFFEINATING
      (n) The tendency not to start anything until you've had a cup of coffee
    • A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for a loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out.

      The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

      Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

      The blond says "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
    • In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching."
      Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
      PROCAFFEINATING
      (n) The tendency not to start anything until you've had a cup of coffee
    • Johnny is a problem child, always getting kicked out of school. So his parents eventually take him to a Catholic school, hoping it'll help him behave. Before his first day of school, the family is talking to the head nun in the church and letting her know about Johnny's past. Eventually they finish and Johnny goes on to his first day. At the end of the day the parents ask the nuns how he was and are astonished to hear that he was the sweetest boy, as a gentle as a lamb, and helping out wherever he could.
      His parents are shocked by this and ask him, "All those other schools, you were already getting into fights or skipping class on the first day. What's so different about this one?"
      Johnny replies, "In the morning we were talking with that nun. And when I saw what happened to the guy at the front of the church, I knew they weren't playing around!"


      I don't play any servers anymore, I'm just here for the spam and
      :xeno: :xeno: :xeno:




      badidol wrote:

      Dammit, this thing dies darned slowly.




      badidol wrote:

      Go and check the permissions the Facebook app wants, I dare you
    • The kid goes down the street and encounters a cop,he asks what time it is.Cap answered 15:30 pm.Whay?Kids: You can smoke me in 16:00 pm.The cops rushed him down while he ran to encounter another cops who asked him why you were hitting a kid.Because he asked me to smoke at 16:00 pm,The other cop told him where you hurried when he was 15:35 pm. :D :D :D
      Life is an eternal struggle.
      Who does,he can.Who knows no fear,goes forward.
      V.Z.Misic
    • @Kaleg Nar I went to a Catholic school and yes...those nuns are scary. :)

      @TBBDV making fun of MS...you sir, have gone too far! LOL

      Q: Why doesn't Tigger have any friends?
      A: He plays with Pooh

      I know....but it's funny! LOL
      PROCAFFEINATING
      (n) The tendency not to start anything until you've had a cup of coffee
    • There are many things to call a cow. Here are some.

      Q: What do you call a cow with three legs?

      A: Tri-tip.

      Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?

      A: Lean meat.

      Q: What do you call a cow with one leg.

      A: Pole Steak

      Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?

      A: Ground beef.

      Q: What do you call a cow that failed to jump over a barbed wire fence?

      A: Udder destruction.

      Q: Why was the farmer so urgent about getting rid of the marijuana in his pastures?

      A: The steaks had never been higher.

      Q: And how did the farmer entertain his cows?

      A: With nightly mooooovies.

      Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?

      A: The chicken hogged the road.


      I don't play any servers anymore, I'm just here for the spam and
      :xeno: :xeno: :xeno:




      badidol wrote:

      Dammit, this thing dies darned slowly.




      badidol wrote:

      Go and check the permissions the Facebook app wants, I dare you
    • you have inspired me, cows it is! :D

      Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.

      What do you call a cow with a twitch? – Beef jerky.

      Why do cows wear bells? – Because their horns don’t work.

      Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? – Because the cow has the udder.
      PROCAFFEINATING
      (n) The tendency not to start anything until you've had a cup of coffee

      The post was edited 1 time, last by Helen357 ().

    • Q: Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
      A: Because you can't drink and derive...

      Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
      A: Pumpkin pi

      Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

      I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.

      ..........yes.....this is how I pass my time....lol
      PROCAFFEINATING
      (n) The tendency not to start anything until you've had a cup of coffee

      The post was edited 1 time, last by Helen357 ().

    • It’s not how many times you fall down, it’s how many times you get up again.
      The cop said “that’s not how field sobriety tests work”.
      PROCAFFEINATING
      (n) The tendency not to start anything until you've had a cup of coffee